Life in the Single Lane: And Stephanie was indeed, Steve

Rebecca Romijn plays transsexual character Alex Meade in Ugly Betty

Hooonnnkkkkk!

The blare of horns tore through the busy Lagos traffic. It was almost 10pm and I wondered where this horde of cars were headed, there was a serious traffic jam. Well it was Friday night after all and like me everyone wanted a break from a boisterous week.

I hit a stop at the Ozumba Mbadiwe- Adeyemo Alakija axis. I couldn't wait to unwind after a busy week. My boys were already at Slicks Bar waiting.. see I am the Life of the Party. I had received about a dozen calls asking where I was. My phone rang again. It was Mayowa "Fake G, where you dey na?" 

"Mayor I dey come,  I go soon show. I de inside traffic for that Ozumba side".

The traffic light flashed green  "Guy, I go see you soon" I said and ended the call.

I arrived at Slicks Bar amid cheers from my boys. Lanre, Boogie, Mayor and JJ were all there, my home boys from way back. It had become some sort of tradition for us to hang out every Friday night and since we were all still single and unmarried we looked forward to catching up with each other. Friday nights were extremely special.

The boys were already on their third bottle of Ciroc. I joined them, grabbed a glass and poured myself a drink.

"Omo BJ there is one babe here that I want you to see, very padded with full options mehn! Your exact speck". 



 My friends know how much I love big booty girls. I love them curvy- the bigger the better. "Abeg where is she?" I asked. "See her beside the bar".

Then my eyes saw her. She was Kim Kardashian, Omo Sexy and Halle Berry rolled into one. This girl looked like sin. She was leaning on one of the bar chairs and from where I sat I could see how round and pert her booty was. She had porcelain skin, beautiful brown eyes, toned body... she was banging.

Not one to dull, I excused myself amid shouts of "Bad Guy" from my boys. I walked over to her, confident that I was on point. It had never been difficult for me to get girls. I am a fine young man and successful too. I was looking sharp in my Roberto Cavalli tee with matching palms. My Creed perfume pervaded the air in spite of the strong stench of cigars.

"Gimme a  bottle of crystal", I said to the bartender. I was looking to impress her. A bottle of crystal was N300,000 at Slicks. I caught her attention then. She looked my way and then smiling I asked
Would you mind if I buy you a drink? she replied, Sure!

And that's how it started. I was to know she was Stephanie, a PR Consultant. We had a lot in common. We loved the same movies. We were both Arsenal fans. We shared the same love for literature. She was a traveler just like me. She was intelligent and interesting.. and well rounded too. I  found her even sexier. Not only was I attracted to her body, it was like we were having mental intercourse.

I had almost forgotten about my friends when they came up to me and said they were  leaving. I bade them goodbye and promised to call them up as soon I could, but not before Mayor slipped 2 packets of condom in my pocket. Typical Mayor

Glasses of drinks later and several slurred words we decided to leave. Stephanie had no qualms about following me to my house. In hindsight I wonder why I didn't ask where she lived or what she was doing at the club alone. It hadn't just mattered at the time.

I drove into my house and led her upstairs to my bedroom. Before I could gather my thoughts she planted her lips on my mouth and started kissing me, I kissed her back, fondling her. I started pulling at her blouse while she unzipped my jeans. She got down on her knees, took me in her mouth and in seconds I was in high heavens, she pleasured me in ways no one ever had. I let out a small scream... Oooh! Stephanie! Damn! I'm gonna die now..

I pulled her up and pushed her onto the bed, tore her blouse off. Two beautiful, perky babies stared right at me. She was so beautiful, like some goddess.. she was perfect. As I reached out to pull at her skirt I felt something. Was she carrying a gun? I guess I was just being paranoid. I continued and then I saw what it was, in all its stark naked glory- a male genitalia.

Right before me was a transsexual, How sick was this? Nothing in him had shown that he was a man. I looked into his pleading eyes, they were begging for mercy. He could obviously see the fury and disgust written on my face. I walked over to the chair where I had flung my jeans, he needed to be whipped with a belt, I couldn't stand another second touching him with my hands. I relished seeing the belt tearing his skin. How dare he deceive me? As if sensing what I was about to do, he bolted out of the door, clutching his clothes, his limp genitals in tow.

I remained scarred and was never the same again.

That  Sunday I got born again... I made a vow to God to quit the wild life until He gives me the woman I would make my wife.


Life in a Single lane is a series that celebrates the single life