Monday, 6 August 2012

Life in the single lane: You played yourself

"Onyi, I really miss you my sweeti'm, my sugar honey sweetie pie".

"I miss you too obi'm so much". I said rolling my eyes

We had been on the phone for more than an hour and Stanley wouldn't end the call. My Nigerian boyfriend has been on call waiting for the past five minutes. "Stan boo let me answer mum and call you back"

"Nne didn't you tell mummy that it's your husband talking. Greet her for me i nugo and I hope she liked what I sent".

"Oh very much". "She says to tell you Chukwu gozie gi... God bless you. She cant wait to meet you". He had sent my mum 2000 pounds with a box of beautiful kaftans last week. I had pocketed the 2000 pounds and sold off the kaftans.

"Ha! biko tell her very soon o! ka'm bia imego gi"

Pay my dowry? Warra heck! Was he kidding? I cringe at his thick igbo accent. How have I been coping?

"Yes o! she's excited o!"  I whisper to my sister to scream my name in her best imitation of my mum's voice


"Hey Stan that's mum again, gotta run"

"Ok babygial m ga kpo chia gi, I'll call you later"

"Okay love", I replied and ended the call.

Seun, my naija boyfriend was on the phone. "I've been calling endlessly and your phone has been busy".

"Baby, I'm so sorry it's work stuff.. had to do a conference call with some of our foreign partners".

"K love.. Care to see a movie babycakes?"

"Yay! I so do. What movie are we seeing?

"You choose darling"

"Dark Knight rises"

"Already got us Dark Knight rises tickets".

"How do you know I would want to see dark knight rises?". He knows me so well

"Of course I know what you like hon!". "Now get pretty and i'll be by your house in another hour, love you.

"Love u too boo"

I set about dressing up. Stan calls again. What kind of pest was he? I refuse to pick

I met Stanley the last time he was on holidays in naija. He was 40 years old which meant he was older than me by 14 whole years.. I am 26. While he wasn't the most romantic man I had met, he was real generous taking care of my material needs, he showered and spoiled me with life's finest things. He didn't mince words about what he wanted from the get go. Mummy I'm looking for a wife not a girlfriend o! and you are the one. I had laughed so hard. Stan was boring... the kind of man that was stuck in the 15th century. I remember when I asked him to get me an iPad. He had called me saying he was at the Opthalmologist and they didn't stock it. What does an Opthalmologist have to do with getting me an iPad, I had asked..  but poor, old Stanley thought I meant eye pad and not iPad... To him twitter was a bird and not a social networking site. He kills me everytime with his old school self.

On the last day of his holidays I had finally agreed to get down with him after I had extracted as much as 5000 pounds from him. After plenty loud talking, he had huffed and puffed for 45 seconds and wham! bam! the show was over before I was aware it even started. I was irritated and eyed him as he rolled over, his pot belly bobbing up and down. Was that it? "Baby i di uto.. you are sweet like "chugarcane". I relished slapping him but thought better of it.

But Seun was different. He knew how to trip me with his bad boy moves. He was funny, handsome and chivalrous. He had biceps and six packs for days, very beautiful and fit.- my very own Adonis. He knew how to love me in every kind of way. He was spontaneous and a wonderful dresser. My heart did flip flops when I set my eyes on him. He was nothing like that bore called Stanley. I loved Seun but he couldn't cater for my high flying lifestyle. He can't buy me the louboutins and the guccis.

Now Stan was being on my neck about coming back to pay my dowry. He was due in naija next week. I really wasn't ready to settle down and not with him even. Who was ready to be dulled forever? It was Seun I loved.

Moments later Seun was at my door in his characteristic dapper fashion with  flowers inscribed with the words...

You blossom more n more everyday babycakes. He was so sweet thoughtful.

We did movies. Throughout the movie he was stroking my hair. It was so cozy that I slept off. When the movie was done he dropped me off at home.

Next day he tells me his sister is coming back with her husband and kids and he has to pick her up from the airport and in a surprise turn he wants me to go with him to pick her up. Delighted, I say "yes". I know how close he and his sister are.

"But I thought she isn't due back until next month?" I asked

"I thought so too but apparently her husband has stuff to do in naija so she decided to join him now" Seun replied

Later that day as we drove to the airport I started feeling nervous "Seun, it's really important to me that your sister likes me. What if she doesn't?"

"There is nothing to fear babycakes, she's really nice and knows how into you I am"

"You sure?" I smiled at him

"As sure as the sun rises each morning, sunshine"

Can't help but blush. He leans over to kiss me. In an instant, a vision of I, Seun and our two kids 10 years from this moment flashed before my eyes. OK slow down Onyii.. I really love this guy

We make our way through the throng of people at Murtala International Airport. It was 5:15 pm already and Seun's sister was due here at 5. We decided to eat at abibiz restaurant to pass time.While eating, Seun all of a sudden starts looking all serious. "Onyii where do you see yourself in the next five years?" Why was he asking? "Well I should be either married or be a CEO of a high flying company" I replied.

"Really you've thought about being a wife? that's great". Where was he going with this "well yes several times hon" Wasn't that every woman's dream. "okay"  he said as he continued eating his food. I wanted to know why he was asking but he started chatting about something else

His phone rings, "they are here hon"

We walk out of door and  then I saw his sister running towards us. I recognise her from this baby pictures he carries around in his wallet.

"Seun my darling you are all grown now", she screamed

They hug and she says "You must be Onyi"

 "Yes" Seun says "Isn't she just the most beautiful person you've ever seen Shalewa?"

"She is, Seun you did make a great choice".

"Thanks" I replied blushing "Seun speaks really highly of you"

"Now does he?", she laughed. "My husband and kids are trying to get the luggage. I have the most beautiful family in the world" she smiled proudly.

Next thing I know Shalewa is holding my hand, Seun is kneeling and she's holding a small box in her other hand and then she says "Will you make this young man happy for the rest of his life?". I didn't know if it was a proposal neither did I understand why his sister was the one saying those words until Seun finally says "Please be my wife Onyii"

Out of the corner of my eye I see someone running towards us with two kids "Chalewa" "Cheun" I'm not supposed to miss this". Voice sounded too familiar. Accent even more frighteningly familiar. I felt the hairs on my back stand.

 "Yeah my husband cometh with my two beautiful angels" chirped Shalewa. I turned slowly and was face to face with crude, groggy, pot bellied Stanley.

The lying bastard.... I am finished....


  1. Chai! See life. The 45 second man turns out to be married to the sister of her dream man, tsk tsk.

  2. OMG! i always look forward to this life in d single lane posts. lol at chugarcane, chalewa and cheun. serious onitsha accent o! LMAO

    great post MizV

  3. YEPA!!! (in thick yoruba accent)...that's some serious something.
    Nice write up Ms

  4. See watin Ogu Kokoro ( big eye) dey cause, why was he lieing, babes be careful all that glitter is not gold oh

    with all the money Stanley was spending was he looking for wife no. 2, haba Men!!!

    u Stink.... Chugarcane mouth ......
    Loving this post MisV

    We need Episode 2, what later happened ? did Onyi later confessed.....
    Need more Babes

  5. hehehe! u guys should start paying for this stories o! lol

  6. Loved the story until i got to that "I cringe at his igbo accent" part. what the hell? I'm sure you are igbo yourself. Pls tell me what's wrong with having igbo accent. Lil wonder igbo language is practically going into extinction

  7. Wow! its fiction hon! and as much as ur sentiments go fiction has to be believable. its not my intention to offend you or anyone else besides i'm proudly igbo. Thanks for reading tho

  8. Oori iya mi oooooo....LMAO...nice one mizV

  9. Myopic and narrow minded people abound smh! You shouldn't have dignified that comment with a response. Just keep doing your thing MizV


Please don't spam