Life in the single lane: The Triangle

Hahaha! Can you imagine a guy doing that to you.. Eew!'

'It's so disgusting, if my man should try it i'm so dumping him warraheck'

The scene in question was a scene from the movie, 'The Dictator'. Sacha Baron Cohen's character, General Hafeez Aladeen, was licking a woman's hairy armpit.

By this time I had gotten my fill of the endless chatter. It was my first time actually going to the cinema to see a movie. My adorable nieces had gone on and on about how I needed to see Sacha Baron Cohen's The Dictator since I had been a huge fan of his since Borat. I had finally agreed to see the movie, but the girls sitting behind me hadn't stopped talking since the movie started making the movie painful to watch.

I turned to them. I couldn't quite make out their faces in the almost pitch black cinema, which was dimly illuminated by the screen projector. 'Hello girls, can you turn your voices down a bit? Thank you'

I heard them giggle then one of them said 'sorry'. I turned my attention back to the movie. Sacha at this time was hanging from a window his limp penis horribly covered with hair. The whole cinema erupted with laughter , myself inclusive but the girls behind me had their laughter tuned to the highest frequency.

"Damn did you see that?" they continued laughing. Then one of them nudged me from behind. "Why ain't you laughing?"

I replied, "I did laugh but I have to stop laughing so I can enjoy the rest of the movie besides I didn't think it was that funny'

"Not funny? really? that's like the funniest thing I've seen" the girl chirped and continued giggling.

We became fast friends after that. I got to know later that the 2 chirpy girls, Gbemi and Olivia were best friends. While Gbemi was vivacious, pretty and really talkative, Olivia was a much calmer person that had this quiet confidence about her. We quickly turned to movie buddies as Gbemi and Olivia would hit me up whenever a new movie was out. Because of them I fell in love with going to the cinema.

Gbemi did not hide the fact that she had eyes for me. We didn't cross the friendship line but I could see it from the tone of her voice and how flirty she got around me. Unfortunately, I found that I was attracted to Olivia. She was charming and mysterious and I was quite enthralled by her charm and intelligence but we had become such good friends that I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. Friendship with both girls had become something truly special.

One day I finally found the guts to ask Olivia out. I had dropped by her house that evening to take her to eat pizza. Seeing as I was headed in a different direction, she asked if we weren't going to pick Gbemi from her house. To which I replied, fibbing 'she'll join us later'

We got to the pizzeria, ordered pizzas and drinks then the conversation turned serious

She shifted in her seat uncomfortably as I looked intently at her. "Timi why are you looking at me like that"

"Olivia dearie, you've become really special to me and I'm so scared that I would be boxed into the friendship zone"

I continued, resolving to be unfazed by the bemused expression on her face 'As much as I appreciate our friendship, i'll be the happiest man in the world if only you could be my woman to have, to hold and cherish for the rest of my life'.

She stopped eating and for a moment just looked at me. Then suddenly she burst out laughing. OMG! she was about to put a dent on my ego, please God I can't deal with this

'Are you serious Timi?' She said quizzically

'As serious as a heart attack beautiful..' 'I've felt this way for a very long time and I cant keep lying to myself' I said keeping my face straight

Life in the single lane: My Best Friend Forever

Remember Archie, Betty and Veronica... LMAO!
If you don't  then you missed out on a lot while growing up

Claire was at the door as I flung it open. We had arranged to go to Balogun market to see Claire’s customer. She had been raving about the bargain she stumbled upon at balogun and we had fixed a shopping date for today which I had completely forgotten.

"Babes are you ready?" she asked. I had fixed lunch with Ade, a guy I met at a book reading yesterday and we had struck an interesting conversation. I had enjoyed talking to him so much that I didn't know when I agreed to a lunch date. I had been flattered by his attention towards me. It was definitely a first seeing a guy lean into me and looking deep into my eyes like I was the only thing that mattered  in the world.Claire was the one who got the most attention from guys with her caramel skin, brown eyes and lovely curves.

"Goddamit! I forgot", Claire looked at me, "Forgot? You cant be serious, meanwhile why are you all dressed like that? she asked

"I have a date with some guy I met yesterday" Claire burst out laughing. 

"You? Date? Guy?" she asked her eyes mocking me

"Yeah" I smiled shyly, "he’ll be here any minute from now". I was obviously giddy with excitement

Claire eyed me surreptitiously, "and is this what you plan to wear for your date?" I was wearing the long satin bridesmaids dress I had worn at my sister's wedding. 

"What's wrong with what I’m wearing?"

"Everything, Yetunde... everything. 1 it's not dinner, 2 you are too young to be wearing that, 3 you look drab, 4 its damn plain. Please put on a cute tee and tight jeans it's just lunch for Christ’s sake and don’t go looking holier than Sister Maria".

I looked down at my dress. This was the best thing I could pick out and I thought it was cute. But Claire obviously knows better. She was so beautiful, fly and had no problem getting male admirers. I watched as Claire scurried to my wardrobe and pulled out a pair of jeans. 

"No, no, no Claire not that jeans it's too tight and rides a little low". My sister had gotten me the jeans  last year and it had just been lying in my wardrobe.

Life in the single lane: Tochi

The dull ache in my groin is unmistakable as my mind wandered to the events of last night- the thought of sticky blue bunny ice cream running down my navel and light feathery kisses made me flush.

I smiled to myself remembering how intense last night was. I was still so sticky all over.Tochi is the best i ever had. The thrill about our relationship is that he belonged to another on paper but in my heart I knew he was all mine- body, soul and spirit. My friends have called me delusional but I know very well that love conquers all, and my love for tochi sure could conquer anything.

The truth is I can't imagine my life without my tochi. He is my life's love. Sadly, he is married to the most cantankerous wife ever. I know this because he told me. He often regaled me with stories of his troublesome wife who will not just let him know peace. When he had lost his job she had composed songs for him, mocking him and putting dents on his ego, making him feel emasculated. He had never forgiven her. But I had been his consolation, his getaway to all things beautiful, serene and peaceful, I was his sanity. I see how his face lights up whenever he sees me. He always tells me "you are my life's joy Adanna, without you boo my life would be a living hell". Tochi, wonderful loving Tochi was my soul mate.

I watched him as he rolled over in my bed, joy filling my heart. Only if somehow his wife could just disappear or even die then he could be all mine. I quickly dismissed the thought. I don't want to end up in hell and not even on her account.

"Baby you are up so early, what is on your mind?" he asked lazily his eyes heavy from sleep

"Nothing boo, I'm just watching you sleep"

He reached for me and kissed me lightly on my lips.

"My bad girl riri, you almost killed me last night see how wasted I am" he said yawning

I looked up at him shyly "I killed you or you killed me? please"  I said rolling my eyes and we both burst out laughing

"Care for breakfast darling?"

"Breakfast? I want you for breakfast" he said pulling me to himself until he was on top of me. I felt his erection assaulting my hips.  He is insatiable.

He tugged at my night wear, peeling it off and in seconds he was inside me, pleasuring me like crazy. Can this ever get old? my hips grinded against his as I felt a mixture of different things. This was sweet, he was sweet, life was sweet, my world was perfect as we made sweet sweet love.

Life in the single lane: You played yourself

"Onyi, I really miss you my sweeti'm, my sugar honey sweetie pie".

"I miss you too obi'm so much". I said rolling my eyes

We had been on the phone for more than an hour and Stanley wouldn't end the call. My Nigerian boyfriend has been on call waiting for the past five minutes. "Stan boo let me answer mum and call you back"

"Nne didn't you tell mummy that it's your husband talking. Greet her for me i nugo and I hope she liked what I sent".

"Oh very much". "She says to tell you Chukwu gozie gi... God bless you. She cant wait to meet you". He had sent my mum 2000 pounds with a box of beautiful kaftans last week. I had pocketed the 2000 pounds and sold off the kaftans.

"Ha! biko tell her very soon o! ka'm bia imego gi"

Pay my dowry? Warra heck! Was he kidding? I cringe at his thick igbo accent. How have I been coping?

"Yes o! she's excited o!"  I whisper to my sister to scream my name in her best imitation of my mum's voice

ONYINYECHUKWU!

"Hey Stan that's mum again, gotta run"

"Ok babygial m ga kpo chia gi, I'll call you later"

"Okay love", I replied and ended the call.

Seun, my naija boyfriend was on the phone. "I've been calling endlessly and your phone has been busy".

"Baby, I'm so sorry it's work stuff.. had to do a conference call with some of our foreign partners".

"K love.. Care to see a movie babycakes?"

"Yay! I so do. What movie are we seeing?

"You choose darling"

"Dark Knight rises"

"Already got us Dark Knight rises tickets".

"How do you know I would want to see dark knight rises?". He knows me so well

"Of course I know what you like hon!". "Now get pretty and i'll be by your house in another hour, love you.

"Love u too boo"

I set about dressing up. Stan calls again. What kind of pest was he? I refuse to pick

Life in the Single Lane: And Stephanie was indeed, Steve

Rebecca Romijn plays transsexual character Alex Meade in Ugly Betty

Hooonnnkkkkk!

The blare of horns tore through the busy Lagos traffic. It was almost 10pm and I wondered where this horde of cars were headed, there was a serious traffic jam. Well it was Friday night after all and like me everyone wanted a break from a boisterous week.

I hit a stop at the Ozumba Mbadiwe- Adeyemo Alakija axis. I couldn't wait to unwind after a busy week. My boys were already at Slicks Bar waiting.. see I am the Life of the Party. I had received about a dozen calls asking where I was. My phone rang again. It was Mayowa "Fake G, where you dey na?" 

"Mayor I dey come,  I go soon show. I de inside traffic for that Ozumba side".

The traffic light flashed green  "Guy, I go see you soon" I said and ended the call.

I arrived at Slicks Bar amid cheers from my boys. Lanre, Boogie, Mayor and JJ were all there, my home boys from way back. It had become some sort of tradition for us to hang out every Friday night and since we were all still single and unmarried we looked forward to catching up with each other. Friday nights were extremely special.

The boys were already on their third bottle of Ciroc. I joined them, grabbed a glass and poured myself a drink.

"Omo BJ there is one babe here that I want you to see, very padded with full options mehn! Your exact speck". 

Life in the single lane: The Brazilian Weave v. The Blackberry

Studio 53 host Eku Edewor rocks the Brazilian weave
as she concentrates on her blackberry phone

Ping!

The sound of his blackberry went off. We haven’t been able to hold a conversation for 30 minutes.

‘Please excuse me a min’, he said. "No problem", I replied.

He continued pinging, my patience was thinning out. His fingers looked like crows feet as he tapped the keys of the blasted berry. I stared at him as he was making faces and smiling into his phone.

This was a business meeting for chrissakes. This guy was wasting my time.

Impatient, I get up, he hardly notices. As I started out he looked up.

‘Madam we haven’t even started our meeting’. I cringe at the word ‘madam’ but still stay calm.

 I gave him a warm smile and said

‘Can we reschedule please?’

‘Okay’ he said, without as much as a glance at me.

‘Will give you a call ok?’ He said without looking up.

Life in the single lane: KARMA is the baddest bitch!

I'm the baddest bitch... Yours truly, Karma

I looked around my plush office and realized how far I’ve come from my days of living from hand to mouth. Life has been good. I was now the CEO of Ace Energy, a foremost Oil and Gas firm at just 28 years old. Fortune had indeed smiled on me.

I flunked on my seat… it was Parisian, custom made to my taste. I had it ordered just last week.. Life was good. It had been a long day. I had been overseeing an interview for a new Manager for Operations since the demise of hardworking Mr. Thomas. The company had suffered some irreparable loss due to his death. Most of the applicants did not suit the bill. Most of them had me question if they really went through school.

The process had been so stressful.

 I had wrapped for the day.

Buzz! My intercom went off

An applicant is here ma. The receptionist said into the phone.

Why did you let him in,  I told you I'm done interviewing anyone today.

He insisted ma.  He is being very persistent and will not leave.

I thought for a minute, it wouldn’t hurt to try this one out; all of the applicants that came hadn’t come close to my expectations. Maybe this was the person I was looking for

Ok let him wait in the conference room, Call the HR Manager I will join them shortly.

I picked up my notepad and headed for the conference room. I could not believe the sight that greeted me as I walked in.

 Imade.. the same imade that had kicked me in the shins, treated me like trash. That same imade was here seeking a job at a company I owned. I let out a low chuckle.

Karma is a bad bitch

Life in a single lane: Nkem

I walked out of The Palms Shopping Mall feeling so fly. I had gone to see 'The Avengers' with a couple of friends only for me to run into Nkem my ex boyfriend.

Rewind 5 years ago

Nkem and I had been an item back in school. We complemented our outfits, won many 'best couple' awards, we were quite popular. Everyone admired us. He had loved me with such pure innocence, he thought I was his everything, he thought the sun rose and set at my feet. I meant everything to him.

Until one day I had told him I was tired. I was tired of his ass always checking on me. I was tired of his doting. I had wanted some variety. I wanted someone that I could be adventurous with. With Nkem it had been either my way or nothing at all. I craved adventure, I craved craziness... I heard stories from my friends about their wild nights on the town and  here I  was, stuck, playing faithful girlfriend to Nkem while my life swiftly passed by. I was young, hot and wanted to be free.

 I wanted out.